Our lives are busy right now as we try to juggle a visit from Mimi (Benjy's mom), packing and moving to a different house by Friday, and getting stuff ready and 2 little boys prepared for school (which starts Monday!)
Amidst all of the fun and craziness, there is an ache in my heart for what our lives are missing. Mid-August (the 15th-ish) was the expected arrival date of our fourth little one into our family. It is hard to miss someone so important. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder. It makes me question. Had things turned out differently, I am certain that we would already be holding him or her (I think "boy") in our arms since all of my boys have arrived earlier than their due dates. In every way I wish that were true. We wanted to hold him. I would have loved to see how this little one would light up our lives and change us so much. How he would have stolen the hearts of his parents and his big brothers. But for some unknown reason, we don't have that opportunity...and that is hard. It is hard to explain the feelings. It is hard to express my thoughts. I know that although this little one was not given much time at all to grow and experience life in our family, he has still changed us and made us better. I believe that won't stop happening - the things I have learned from loss are so important and valuable - just a little more difficult....and they don't just teach in the moment of loss, they continue on teaching and reminding, months later as life continues on.
Sweet little one, please know that we are especially missing you these days. You are not and will never be forgotten. You are a part of our hearts. A part of our family. You are missed. Thank you for touching our lives so significantly. We love you and are thankful for the hope we have to meet you someday!
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5 comments:
I understand your grief, we lost our first, but God is faithful. Ken
You have been on my heart the last few days...just thinking about you guys and praying for you. Maybe this is why. May God's deepest comfort rest in your lives in these days. If you need a change of scenery of craziness, you can always make a stop in Morelia.
We love you guys,
Ann
Hello Sweet Carolyn
Your blog address was given to me by a wonderful friend who thought I might be able to relate to you as we both are raising babies with much grace and mercy from the Lord. Thank you for this post - I am also missing some babies - I thought that "the missing would go away or at least lessen but I have found that this is not the case. We prayed and prayed for the blessing of twins and when I had the first two 18 months apart I thought that this was how the Lord had chosen to answer my prayers. Little did I know that He had not forgotten the desire of my heart but was planning to give us acutal twin for a short time. I remember the shock when they said "Do twins run in your family?" and proceeded to tell me that I was pregnant with twins. Long story made short - our twins were only held by my belly not our arms - oh what a blessing to be a woman! What an even bigger blessing to know the blessings that await us in heaven. May God bless your heart with endurance and peace as you wait to hold your baby. See you at the end of the race if not before. Have a blest day.
Lori Cummings
Tucson, AZ
I think it is so special that in this day and age we are so much more open to share our experiences and our pain and our grief. It helps so much to know that so many others understand what it feels like to miss someone you never 'met'. Our baby would have been born at the end of June and I just kind of let it go by without saying too much. And yes - I'm getting three more but that doesn't mean I don't wonder who that other little person would have been. It's still a very real loss. Thanks for sharing Carolyn!
Carolyn, I'm just now reading this post. I'm so thankful for you; that God is using you to reach so many women in your sharing! I do wonder each and every day what my babies would have been like and how my life would be different if I would not have had those experiences. You are an amazing woman who is giving me a renewed sense of peace!
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