Thirty Days

Well, thirty days can seem like a very short time to experience all of the ups and downs that we have had over these past weeks and days. Although some of you may have heard about this - many of you more than likely have not. On January 12, 2008 - just one short month ago, we received a shocking but extremely delightful suprise....news of another addition to our family! It took us several days to realize it was true but after picking our mouths up off the floor - our excitement and joy took over! We shared the news of our pregnancy with our family and some close friends after going to the doctor for a confirming ultrasound. Much to our suprise the baby already measured in at 8 weeks and 3 days of development - well on its way to moving into our hearts and becoming a part of our sweet family. After a few days of living with the reality - Benjy and I shared the news with the boys. They were all excited in their own ways - Reece expressing happiness and a strong desire to have another brother only...because he does not like girls...they cry too much (ha! but quite a change from the last pregnancy when his prayer was that Piersen would be a little sister). Chase, with his three year old attention span was much more intrigued with the coin he found on the floor - but did stop his pursuit long enough to declare that my tummy would get big and big and big again. Piersen....ya - he had no idea what would be coming his way! Sweet moment for our family. The people we did share our news with all seemed very happy for us and at the same time had that look of "how crazy is life going to be for you" look in their eyes. We received the typical collection of predictions that God must be giving us a little girl this time around. We think that would be a really nice suprise - but probably not likely. My heart began connecting immedietly with this little one - girl or boy - as it has done with all of my pregnancies. Benjy and I shared many smiles together over the reality of another special person to fill our lives and our home. We were humbly thankful to God for His goodness. That statement continues - we are humbly thankful to God for His goodness - even in the shadow of our sadness - the reality that we became aware of yesterday, February 12, 2008. Our little one is gone. He or she has been gone for an uncertain amount of time...maybe even days after that first ultrasound. I had no idea - had been feeling wonderfully great. Even when I began to lightly spot, I was confident and sure that all was okay (it had happened in my pregnancy with Pierce and all progressed smoothly). The doctor suggested I come in for a checkup - I was planning to come in later this week anyway. He could not find a heartbeat. I remained confident and calm (perhaps it was denial?) but he sent us for an ultrasound. I could see the reality the instant he placed the wand on my tummy. No heartbeat. No movement. No life. Just a very small image of an undeveloped baby. His or her body measuring only 8 weeks and 6 days. We are sad. We are hurting. We are as suprised to learn of this baby's death as we were to learn of his/her life. All this in thirty days. What a roller coaster. I had a D&C today and I feel empty and strange - to have been carrying the body of my tiny baby - anticipating life - and yet his or her life already in the safe and perfect arms of God. We have shed tears and received the prayers and comfort of family and good friends. We trust in God's wisdom and His eternal grace. We are confident in where our baby is and we take peace in that. Our little one is in a much more perfect environment than my womb or our home could have ever provided, yet we grieve and mourn our loss. I take comfort in this hymn that I have loved since childhood...

Safe in the arms of Jesus,
safe on his gentle breast,
there by His love o'er shaded,
sweetly my soul shall rest.

Thank you for your friendship and prayers.